Hey guys, it's been a while! Today I decided to publish this blog because I feel it's important. So a little over an hour ago I read this article right here about the fact that people don't talk about their mental health problems out of fear. And I agree. Wholeheartedly. So today's blog post is about my mental health issues, the way I manage them and why I don't talk about them.
Let's start with why I don't talk about my mental health issues because I feel this may be quite common amongst the population. For me I find it really difficult to talk about mental health because I feel guilty as though I have no reason to have issues when other people have clearly had it worse and because I feel really selfish talking about myself. Mental health issues can occur in anyone with no reason at all seemingly present and I know this but I also know that not everyone does know this and there is a lot of prejudice and stigma surrounding it. I do talk about my issues occasionally but every time I do, I feel bad as though I'm lumping my problems onto someone else. These are my reasons for not talking about mental health as much as we all should as a society (not just in the games industry). They are not always rational or logical but issues surrounding mental health rarely are.
Alright next up, what I have and how I manage it. So about three years ago now I was diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (commonly know as PTSD). It took a while to get the actual diagnosis because I had assumed what I felt was normal. I was initially diagnosed with both Major Depression and Major Anxiety Disorder (both within a week) about four years ago before the diagnosis was changed to PTSD with depression and anxiety being symptoms. On top of my PTSD diagnosis, it was found that I have two forms/triggers of anxiety (high-stress environment and social anxiety) and I suffer from a frightening disorder known as Anxiety Dissociation Disorder. To break this down, I'll explain each thing, how it's effected me and what I do to manage it before moving onto the next thing.
I was diagnosed with Major Depression first and it was actually myself that said "this doesn't feel right" and went to a doctor to get help. Depression caused me to have so much trouble getting out of bed in the morning (to the point of not attending classes). I had trouble eating regularly; I would go from binge eating for three weeks straight because I was always hungry to not eating for days because I didn't feel like it. Everything I did felt like I was underwater and just moving very slowly. The catalyst for me getting help was when I tried to commit suicide after weeks of thinking about it. After that I realized that what I was feeling couldn't be normal and I got help. From there, with help from my doctor, I began little steps to recovery (without medication because of a family history of extremely bad reactions to anti-depressants). I started walking to the bus. Then I started walking my dog: once a week, twice a week then everyday. I strived to attend more classes (my attendance was around 50%). And I found something to live for everyday. I'd wake up and be like "today I need to go to work so I can't do anything stupid" or "I think so-and-so would be sad if I did it so I'll have to wait". These days I am much better and don't have as much problem but it's still there. I keep active and try socializing more (even though it scares me and sometimes causes panic attacks) because that's the way to keep it away and managed. It doesn't always work. Some days I have bad days but I allow myself that because I know tomorrow will be a different day and hating myself is one of the things that triggers it.
PTSD is a syndrome commonly known to be found in war vets and soldiers after they return to civilian life. There is a stigma around PTSD that people assume it's only found in these people but that's untrue. I won't explain what caused mine because it's a very complicated and personal thing. As a result of PTSD I sometimes have irrational bursts of anger and frustration, panic attacks (which in turn can cause me to dissociate), I have communicate issues and I have problems managing my emotions in elevated states. To help myself manage these things, I went and got professional help and went to group therapy sessions. From this I learned that the anger and frustration was actually part of my flight or fight response (same as the dissociation) and I learnt that a good way to manage this was by focusing on breathing. A technique I use to to put a playlist of songs on and tap my foot on the ground in time with the beat; on the beginning of every bar I take a breath in, then let it go in the next bar. The playlist's tempo would gradually decrease until my breathing returned to normal and I no longer felt like hulking. I also count in my head and take a walk to calm down. These things allow me to manage my irrational bouts of anger and frustration. They don't always stop it though. I have triggers (not all of which I am aware of) that can cause flashback episodes and burning anger that seizes my muscles trying to restrain. I have lost friends because of this, because I became so angry at seemingly nothing that I would snap at them and say hurtful things that I didn't mean. This is something I am working on but it is an ongoing issue, the first step being knowing my triggers and telling people before an incident occurs.
The least known-about issue I have is Dissociation Disorder. Now dissociation disorder is a direct response to flight or fight situations. What it feels like is though every single emotional centre in my body shuts down and I turn into this robot/vulcan thing that doesn't feel like me, act like me and it feels as though I am watching myself through someone else's point of view. This is primarily triggered by panic attacks and and high-stress situations. It's actually quite terrifying because I feel like I'm not able to control myself and I'm just a viewer of what happens. I believe this kind of reaction is needed in circumstances where instinct needs to take-over and real-life life-threatening situations but mine triggers in situations which are from life-threatening. The *relativity* good thing about it though, is that I can normally feel it coming now that I'm aware of what it is. And knowing it's coming, I can preemptively remove myself from the triggering situation and calm down before it happens. When in this state though, it's hard to get back to normal because it terrifies me and being this is caused by anxiety it's a never ending loop. Sometimes it takes hours or even days to feel normal again. Luckily though, it's been close to two years since my last episode and I'm feeling better than ever.
So yeah. There it is, a summation of the issues I face on a day-to-day basis. I would like to thank you for reading my blog and if you feel as though you need to talk, leave a comment, email etc. I'm always free to talk. If you are having issues or want to learn more about depression or anxiety , go to https://www.beyondblue.org.au/ because they are a really helpful source and a good starting point in discovery. Thanks again!
